He’s not a “Fred”

On Tuesday, Will drove down to Roanoke to pick up our new boar.  The drive was beautiful, but longer than he expected.

Upon arrival, there were two pigs to choose from.  The first was very lean, but with a nice arch to his back and a tight curl to his tail, all qualities we’ve read are desirable.  The other hog had a shorter tail and wasn’t quite as arched (he sat lower to the ground).  Now for the goods – the first pig had more “even” testicles, and the second pig appear to have one ball larger than the other.  However, Will ultimately choose the second pig, as the hams on him was much fuller and bigger, and his temperament was calmer.  Thinking in terms of breeding for meat vs. for show, the second, fuller pig seemed like a better bet in terms of yield.  Testicles be damned.

He went straight into the back of the truck, easy as pie.  However, the longer drive did impact the day’s schedule, as Will made it home just in time to hop in the car and drive to preschool to pick up Alston (which is about an hour round trip), leaving the new hog in the back of the pickup.

After parking Alston in front of the TV (notice a theme around here?), Will headed up to the newly fenced in enclosure in the woods to let the boar into his new home.  He built a make shift ramp off the back of the cab and opened the gate, and the boar didn’t budge.  Will started to push him from behind and he just started shaking.  He tried a food bribe and still no forward movement.  Then Will got self-conscious about the ramp, and after some additional fortification tried to motivate the boar again.  Still nothing.  So Will took the goat carrier cage off the back of the truck (it’s bottomless) and hopped in with the pig.

At which point, Alston comes running up the hill (the show must have ended), fighting with Lady over his beloved stuffed giraffe.  Thank god the child is obsessed with trucks, as Will was able to stash him in the cab of the pickup and he pretended to drive while the rest of the adventure ensued.

First Will tried pulling on his front legs, no luck.  The pig was facing the wrong way so he grabbed him from behind to swing him in the right direction and then proceeded to push at the boar to coax him towards the edge.  Because we’re talking about a 200 pound animal, this “pushing” probably looked a bit more like dry humping, as Will had to thrust all of his weight against the back of the pig to inch him forward.  Once the boar reached the ramp and placed a foot on it, he ran down into his enclosure.  Mission accomplished.

Unfortunately, Will’s victory lap was quickly deflated when he opened the cab of the truck only to be hit by a wall of stink that was unmistakably toddler diarrhea, and every object from the glove compartment was strewn about the seats.


Upon hearing this story, I asked my husband “So, what did you name him?”

“Barney – he’s not a Fred.”


One response to “He’s not a “Fred”

  1. Pingback: Meet the boar | home growed

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